Battleship

nişte nave de alieni cad în oceanul pacific fix în timpul unor demonstraţii militare pe mare, îşi creează un scut de invincibilitate (vezi independence day) şi distrug toate navele americane (şi japoneze), mai puţin una foarte veche transformată în muzeu (vezi battlestar galactica)... şi bineînţeles că până la urmă toţi alienii au supt-o...

stupid până la absolut, dar entertaining... să nu-i cerem mai mult...

nota 8.25

The Big Lebowski

un clasic al fraţilor Coen pe care de abia acum am apucat să-l văd...

n-a fost cel mai funny, dar a avut fazele lui...

nota 8.99

Jonah Hex

o porcărie fără nici un sens... cel mai important e că a fost scurtă...

nota 5

pentru cei care mă tot întreabă care-s diferenţele dintre diferitele genuri de metal (remember i am a thrash metal fan):

The situation is the following – a beautiful princess is locked in a castle, guarded by a big bad dragon. How would the situation be solved according to the different musical styles?

Power Metal: Our Hero enters the scene riding a white unicorn. He flees from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

Heavy Metal: Our Hero enters the scene on a Harley Davidson, kills the Dragon, drinks some beer and fucks the princess.

Thrash Metal: The Hero fights the dragon, saves the princess and then fucks her.

Folk Metal: Our hero arrives with some friends who play accordion, violins, flutes and other strange instruments. The Dragon falls asleep (being tired after dancing etc.) Then they leave the castle all together... without the princess.

Viking Metal: Our Hero arrives on a drakkar. He kills the Dragon with his huge Axe and eats him. Then he rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and sets the castle afire before he walks away.

Death Metal: The Hero arrives and kills the Dragon. Then he fucks the princess and kills her too. Finally he steps away.

Black Metal: Our Hero arrives at midnight, kills the Dragon and impales him in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess and before he kills her, he drinks her blood in a ritual. Finally he impales her too next to the dragon.

Gore Metal: Our hero arrives, kills the Dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle. He fucks and then kills the princess. Then he fucks her corpse and eats her guts. Finally he fucks the cadaver for the third time, he burns it and fucks it again for the last time.

Grind Metal: Our Hero arrives and screams something no one is able to understand for about 2 minutes. Then he leaves.

Doom Metal: Our Hero arrives. He understands the Dragon is really huge for him to deal with, and thinks that he will never be able to beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The Dragon eats his body and the Princess as a dessert. And this is the end of a very sad story.

Gothic Metal: The princess wearing a velvet dress sings like a soprano. Our Hero completes the duet as the “Beast” while the Dragon is playing the flute. Suddenly the Dragon swallows the flute and by mistake he spits a flame that burns the Beauty and the Beast while he dies from asphyxia. The three souls are condemned to hell for eternity.

Progressive Metal: Our Hero arrives with one guitar and he plays a 26-minute solo. The dragon finds it so boring that he commits suicide. The Hero enters the princess bedroom and he plays another solo with every technique he learned last year in music school. Finally the princess escapes searching for the Heavy Metal Hero.

Industrial Metal: Our German Hero arrives wearing a filthy coat and he insults the Dragon by extending his middle finger. Finally the bouncers throw him out of the Fairyland.

Technical Death Metal: Our Hero plays an extraordinary riff, changing between 11/16 and 13/16, with any possible way. The Dragon dies from a massive Brain Aneurysm. The princess enters a music college in order to understand what the hell our Hero played.

Speed Metal: Suddenly a short-time solo is filling the air... the Dragon gets confused. Someone is screaming strange things. The princess realizes she just lost her virginity. The Dragon and the princess are still searching for the guy who did that.

Christian Metal: Our Hero arrives straight from the church and sings a Power Metal ballad to the Dragon, telling him how much Jesus loves him, and that he should follow the path of God. The Dragon instantly becomes a Christian and when the princess is ready to thank the Hero, he tells her he is against premarital sex.

Glam Metal: Our Hero arrives. The Dragon laughs because of the Hero’s appearance, and lets him enter the castle. Our Hero steals the princess’ make-up and plans to paint the castle a wonderful pink color, while the princess wonders where all the men have gone?

Battle Metal: The Hero arrives with a legion of 100 brave soldiers and war machines. As a great military commander, he sieges the dragon for 6 hours before killing him. The princess is getting bored.

Nu Metal: Our Hero arrives with a damaged Honda Civic and tries to fight the Dragon, but unfortunately he dies after his ridiculous colorful wide clothes caught fire.

Symphonic Metal: Our Hero arrives with the Vienna Philharmonic and sings two arias. The Dragon loses his hearing and the princess is frying eggs.

Epic Metal: Our Hero arrives in shining armor and riding his own Dragon, kills the bad Dragon with a spear and saves the princess. Then he takes her to his own castle where they get married. And they lived happily ever after.

BONUS:

Epica: Suddenly, Simone Simons appears and the dragon can’t stop staring at her hair and cleavage. While he’s distracted, the rest of the band free the princess and run away.

—

photo credit: http://deskridge.deviantart.com

Upside Down

într-un univers cu două planete care generează două gravităţi diferite şi în care materia de pe o planetă nu prea are voie să se atingă cea de pe ailaltă planetă, luceafărul şi cătălina se îndrăgostesc şi toate problemele dispar când ea rămâne însărcinată...

apreciez originalitatea ideii, dar e atât de imposibil filmul încât am rămas prost...

nota 7.75